here are the conditions of hitting:
1-after using instructing, advices, shunning and rebuking.
we should firstly advise the child if he makes a mistake. then if he does the same mistake again intentionally, he should be punished by rebuking and reproaching. if he does it for the third time, he should be punished by a materialistic punishment that is lesser than hitting such as preventing him from his pocket money or from anything he loves and his father should not speak to him.
here comes the role of the mother which is very important. she completes really the role of the father. she should help him to carry out the punishment. so if he (i.e. the father) commands that the boy or the girl should be deprived from something they love, then she should stick to this and not to violate it because if she violates this command, the child will be stubborn and get used on disobeying his parents.
the effect of the mother on the children in this stage is stronger than that of the father. the child may not respond to all of these attempts, but this is semi impossible as long as the parents performed all what we have mentioned. by the permission of allaah the almighty the child will respond and his conditions will be reformed.
2- punishment should not exceed the magnitude of the mistake.
3- one should not hit his child while he is very nervous, fearing that he may harm him physically and then feel regret for this.
4- hitting should not be psychologically or physically harmful.
5- hitting should not be done before people, friends or neighbors.
6- the man should be in agreement with his wife so that she may not interfere and disagreements occur.
az-zubayr has been raised by his mother safiyyah after the death of his father al-‘awaam. she used to hit him and people blame her saying: “o safiyyah, you hate az-zubayr. upon this she replied:
who says that i hate him is a liar
i hit him to make him very strong
defeat the tribe (of the enemy) and bring the booties
spend on him; the wealthy according to his capability and the poor according to his capability. you should also bring him what likes but in a reasonable way. he should not also be given food forcibly because if you give the tree what is not good for it, it will die. also, if he wants something and you do not like to bring it to him, speak to him and try to persuade him so that he may get used to listen to the other opinion.
4-choosing good friends to him:
that is because if he does not find the righteous friends, he will search for another company and you will find his friends corrupting what you are trying to do good with him. be very cautious regarding girls because woman is corrupted except by another woman. beware of the friends of your girls and fear allaah the almighty regarding the honors of the people and allaah the almighty will preserve your honor for you.
5- strengthening the matter of belief in his heart, putting trust on allaah, and teaching him emaan (sound faith):
jundub, may allaah be pleased with him, said: "we were with the prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, during our youth and we learned emaan before we learn the quran. then we learned the quran and it increased our emaan." [shu‘ab al-emaan]
dear muslim brother, whoever wants to raise his children on the sound belief and emaan should consider how the prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, raised ibn ‘abbaas, may allaah be pleased with them, and what the prophet used to say to him: “o boy, i shall teach you some words. be mindful allaah and he will take care of you. be mindful of allaah and he will protect you. if you ask then ask of allaah, and if you seek help then seek help from allaah. know that if the nation were to gather together to benefit you in some way, they would not benefit you except in something that allaah has decreed for you, and if they were to gather together to harm you in some way, they would not harm you except in something that allaah has decreed for you. the pens have dried and the pages have been lifted.” [reported by ahmad in al-musnad, at-tirmithi in his sunan and al-albaani deemed it saheeh]
contemplate these words that educate men the sound belief, real faith and dependence on allaah the almighty, and teach bravery.
when imam as-sulami wanted to perform hajj, he said: “i asked my mother for permission to perform hajj. she said to me: ‘if you intend to go to the house of allaah the almighty, so let not your guardians (i.e. the appointed angels in charge of mankind) write something of which you may feel ashamed tomorrow (i.e. on the day of resurrection).” [siyar ‘alaam an-nubalaa’]
“being mindful of allaah” means, as ibn rajab said in jaami‘ al-‘uloom wal hikam, explaining this hadeeth: “it is to adhere firmly to his commands, keep away from his prohibitions, do not transgress the limits he has enjoined or go beyond what he has permitted to do something forbidden.”
teach your child to be mindful of the limits of allaah the almighty and never fear other than him.
6-teaching him to love the people of knowledge and religion:
anas ibn maalik, may allaah be pleased with him, said: “they used to teach their children the loving of two sheykhs (abu bakr and ‘umar) as they teach them the chapter of the noble quran.” [as-sunnah by al-khilaal]
saalih the son of imam ahmad ibn hanbal said: “my father, if an ascetic man came to him, used to send me after him to look at this man for he loves me to be like him.” [siyar ‘alaam an-nubalaa’]
this means that his good example should be the people of knowledge and religion. he should also be taught to love and hate for the sake of allaah the almighty.