Companionship, care and intimate relationships
a husband must live with his wife honorably, kindly and with respect. he must maintain a decent, clean and acceptable appearance when he relaxes in his household, just as he likes his wife to do for him at home, since this is only mutual respect and decency to one another. the prophet of allah (peace be upon him) said, encouraging and explaining the comprehensive principle about good character and behavior:
“the most complete believers are those with the best characters, and the best of you are those who are best to their womenfolk.”
[tirmidhi #1162 & ibn hibbaan and verified]
the messenger of allah (peace be upon him) used to mend his own clothes or shoes and help his wives with their daily chores. his wife aishah (may allah exalt their mention) was once asked:
“what did the messenger of allah use to do while at home?”
she responded: “he used to serve and assist his household, and when he would hear the call to prayer, he would leave to pray.”
the messenger of allah (peace be upon him) was always pleasant, kind and caring to all, and would occasionally play and joke politely with his family members. the prophet of allah (peace be upon him) said:
“everything without containing the remembrance of allah is just amusement and play except four: to joke and play with one’s wife, to train one’s horse, to walk between two destinations, and to learn swimming.”
[nasa'e # 8939 and verified]
this tradition indicates that most pastimes and amusements are built merely for play, a waste of time and are therefore without reward, except these mentioned above which are useful, lawful, and fulfill valid beneficial purposes. allah’s prophet (peace be upon him) is also well known for being cheerful and decent in joking with his family and playing with them. an example of this fun pastime is when ‘aishah(peace be upon him) the mother of the believers, said:
allah’s prophet (peace be upon him) raced with me and i won the race before i grew and gained weight. after i became a bit older and put on weight he raced with me again and he won. the prophet of allah (peace be upon him) said to me upon winning the race:
“this (win of mine makes up) for that (win of yours).”
[ahmad #26320 & abu dawood #2578 ]
the messenger of allah (peace be upon him) is reported to have sat in the house for a short while with his family, talking to them, giving them company and showing kindness, before going to sleep, and after offering the late evening prayer. in the authentic traditions we find that ibn abbas (may allah exalt their mention) narrated:
“i slept at the house of maymunah (his aunt and the prophet’s wife) one night to see the prophet’s worship in night prayer. he talked with his wife for a period of time, and then slept. later in the night he awakened and prayed what allah had written for him.”
[bukhari #4293 & muslim #763 ]
allah, the exalted, states in the glorious qur’an:
(indeed in the messenger of allah you have a good example to follow for whoever has hope in (the meeting with) allah and the last day, and remembers allah much.)
hence, allah’s prophet (peace be upon him) is the best exmple to follow for all of us, the believing muslims. muslims ought to follow the pattern of allah’s prophet (peace be upon him) in all of their affairs, personal and public, throughout their lives. all the secrets of the wife should be kept and preserved and her shortcomings hidden. no private affairs should be made public or shared as a conversation item, even among the closest friends. the messenger of allah (peace be upon him) said:
“one of the worst people in the sight of allah on the day of resurrection is a man who has intimate relations with his wife, or a wife who has the same with her husband, then one of them discloses that privacy to others.
“[muslim #1437 & others]
it is the right of the married woman to spend the night with her husband and have sexual fulfillment, satisfaction, and gratification. this right is one of the most emphasized rights in islam, equal to the need of man to have his fulfillment. the husband is required and obliged by islamic law to fulfill the sexual rights of his spouse, to ensure the satisfaction of the spouse so as to prevent her from being inclined towards shameful acts, may allah forbid. a spouse, as any other female, has a great need for being loved and cherished, cared for, and fulfillment of her natural and physical rightful desires.
islam forbids husbands from engaging themselves in matters of physical worship and devotions, like prayers and fasting, in a way that may detract them from attending to their spouses physical, sexual and social needs. in a famous incident salman al-farisi (may allah exalt their mention) reported:
“i went to visit my brother in faith, abu-darda (may allah exalt their mention) and upon arrival, i was greeted by his spouse um darda (may allah exalt their mention) who was in an unkempt state. seeing that, i asked her, what is the matter with you; why are you in this state and not attentive to your husband?’
she said: your brother, abu-darda has no interest in this world and its affairs. he spends his nights praying and days fasting!
upon the arrival of abu-darda, who welcomed salman and offered him some food, salman said: why do not you eat with me?
abu-darda said: i am fasting.
salman said: by allah you must break your fast and eat with me.
abu-darda broke his fast and ate with salman. salman spent that night with abu-darda, and abu darda got up during the night to offer some night prayers whereupon salman stopped him from doing so, saying: your body has certain rights upon you, your lord has certain rights upon you, and your family has certain rights upon you. fast some days and break the fast on others, approach your spouse (for marital relations). grant everyone their due right.
just before the break of dawn, salman permitted abu-darda to get up and offer prayers. both of them rose, performed ablution, offered prayers and then headed to the masjid to offer fajr (dawn) prayer. upon finishing the prayer with the prophet of allah (peace be upon him) abu-darda reported to the prophet about the incident. the prophet of allah (peace be upon him) said: salman has spoken the truth.”
[bukhari #1867 ]
considering the needs of his wife, a husband should not be away from home for an extended period of time. caliph umar ibn al-khattab (may allah exalt their mention) after consulting with his daughter hafsa (may allah exalt their mention) about the length of the period a woman can patiently bear her husband’s absence, set this period six months.
abdur-razaq and others narrated a famous story that:
“umar ibn al-khattab (may allah exalt their mention) was making night rounds when he heard a woman lament:
the night has grown long, and its end is dark and black,
i am sleepless since i have, with whom to play, no lover,
if there was not (the lord) whose throne is above the heavens,
the sides of this bed, would roll, shake and quiver!
in the morning he went to her and asked her the reason for her poetry, and she answered that her husband had gone with the soldiers on a long campaign. umar then conferred with his daughter hafsa on how long a woman can be patient for her husband to return. after some moments of hesitation and embarrassment, in which he convinced her that this question was for the general good of the muslims, she replied six months.”
after this, umar would close a campaign within six months so that they could return to their wives within that time. this period is approximate since circumstances may allow it to be less, or force it to be more. she may tolerate the absence of her husband for more than six months, or she may demand him to come back before that time.
the husband may not refuse or deny his spouse’s legitimate request unless he has a valid excuse. a husband must not make any financial decisions on behalf of his spouse unless she gives him such permission. the husband has no right to take any of his spouse’s financial assets without her approval. he should also consult his spouse in the major household decisions, children’s affairs and other mutual affairs. it is not wise to dictate a man’s opinion upon the other members of the family without listening to the spouse’s opinion, as long as her opinion is wise and correct. allah’s prophet (peace be upon him) gave us a practical example in this matter. on the “day of the pact” with the quraish tribe, the prophet (peace be upon him) commanded his companions to shave their heads and to exit the state of‘, but they were slow and did not hasten to fulfill his command. um salamah (may allah exalt their mention) his wife, recommended that he do so himself and then go out before his companions. allah’s prophet acted upon the recommendation of his wife, doing what she suggested, and when the companions saw his action they all hastened in obedience.
a husband must avoid counting every innocent mistake his spouse may make. for instance, the prophet of allah (peace be upon him) said:
“a husband should not come to his home from a journey late at night (i.e. without announcing his arrival in advance).”
[bukhari #4948 & muslim#715]
this recommendation is given so that the wife may comb her hair or wash herself and that the husband may not find his spouse in an unprepared state, which might become a reason for his displeasure. of course with the modern facilities, nowadays husbands have the ability to inform their wives well in advance, whether the arrival is during the daytime or late in the night. it is the obligation of a husband to be kind, attentive, sharing and caring with his spouse. he must deal with her with honesty, decency, patience and care, and must take into consideration her human nature. women appreciate being loved tenderly and well taken care of. a husband must demonstrate his affection, love, appreciation, caring, consideration and genuine keenness of his spouse.
the system of divorce in islam is designed to protect the rights and interests of the women, and allow ample opportunity and time for reconciliation. we will discuss in more detail below, but here we only mention that in divorce, as in marriage, one must act decent with civil behavior to assure the right of both parties, as allah, the most wise, says:
(divorce is two times: then one may retain with goodness (and reasonable terms), or let go with goodness (and reasonable terms).)