- Meeting the Person who has Made the Mistake to Talk it Over

in saheeh al-bukhaari it is reported that ‘abd-allaah ibn ‘amr said: “my father married me to a woman from a good family. he used to come and check on his daughter in law, and ask her about her husband. she would say, ‘what a good man he is. he has never slept in our bed or disturbed us since we got married.’ when this had gone on for a long time, he mentioned it to the prophet (peace and blessings of allaah be upon him), who said,

‘let me meet with him.’ so i met with him after that, and he said, ‘how often do you fast?’ i said, ‘every day.’ he said, ‘how often do you complete the qur`aan?’ i said, ‘every night.’ he said, ‘fast three days of every month, and complete the qur`aan once a month.’ i said, ‘i can do more than that.’ he said, ‘fast three days every week.’ i said, ‘i can do more than that.’ he said, ‘don’t fast for two days, then sfast for one day.’ i said, ‘i can do more than that.’ he said, ‘observe the best kind of fast, the fast of dawood, fasting one day then not fasting the next, and complete the qur`aan once every seven days.’

i wish that i had accepted the dispensation of the messenger of allaah (peace and blessings of allaah be upon him), because when i became old and weak i started to read one seventh of the qur`aan to my family during the day, and whatever i read during the day makes it easier to complete it at night. if i want to help myself, i do not fast for a number of days, then i count the number of days i did not fast and fast the same number of days. i do not want to give up something that i promised the prophet (peace and blessings of allaah be upon him) i would do before he died.” abu ‘abd-allaah said: “some of them said in three, and in five, and most of them said in seven.” (al-fath, 5052)

a report narrated by ahmad describes the matter more clearly and contains important lessons: ‘abd-allaah ibn ‘amr said: “my father married me to a woman from quraysh. when she entered upon me i did not approach her because i was so enthusiastic about worshipping allaah by fasting and praying. ‘amr ibn al-‘aas came to his daughter in law and asked her, ‘how do you find your husband?’ she said, ‘he is the best of men, or he is like the best of husbands among men. he has never disturbed us and he has never slept in our bed.’ so he came to me and told me off. (ibn al-atheer said: … according to another hadeeth, ‘abd-allaah ibn ‘amr ibn al-‘aas said: ‘so my father came to me and told me off.’ al-nihaayah 3/200). he said, ‘i married you to a woman from a good family of quraysh, and you are neglecting her (i.e., not treating her as a wife) and you are doing such and such.’ then he went to the prophet (peace and blessings of allaah be upon him) and complained about me. the prophet (peace and blessings of allaah be upon him) sent for me and i came to him. he said to me,

‘do you fast during the day?’ i said, ‘yes.’ he said, ‘do you pray (qiyaam) at night?’ i said, ‘yes.’ he said, ‘but i fast and i break my fast, i pray and i sleep, and i go to my wives. whoever turns away from my sunnah has nothing to do with me.’ he said, ‘read the qur`aan once a month.’ i said, ‘i can do more than that.’ he said, ‘read it once every ten days.’ i said, ‘i can do more than that.’ one of them – either husayn or mugheerah – said, ‘read it every three days.’ he [the prophet (peace and blessings of allaah be upon him)] said: ‘fast three days of every month.’ i said, ‘i can do more than that.’ he kept increasing the number until he said, ‘fast one day and do not fast the next day. this is the best of fasts, the fast of my brother dawood.’

husayn said in his narration of the hadeeth: then the prophet (peace and blessings of allaah be upon him) said:

‘every worshipper has a time when he is motivated and keen, and after every such time comes a time of slackening, where he either follows the sunnah or follows bid’ah. the one whose slackening follows sunnah is guided, but the one whose slackening follows bid’ah is doomed.’”

mujaahid said: “when ‘abd-allaah ibn ‘amr grew old and weak, he would fast for several days at a time, so that he could grow stronger, then he would break his fast for a similar number of days. he would read his portion of the qur`aan in like manner, sometimes reading more, sometimes reading less, so that he would finish the entire qur`aan in seven days or in three days. after that he would say, ‘i wish that i had accepted the dispensation of the messenger of allaah (peace and blessings of allaah be upon him), for it would be better for me than what i chose for myself, or i left him saying that i would do something and i would hate to do something else.’” (al-musnad, 2/158. ahmad shaakir said: its isnaad is saheeh. tahqeeq al-musnad, no. 6477).

among the things we learn from this story are:

1.         the prophet (peace and blessings of allaah be upon him) understood the cause of the problem, which was that [‘abd-allaah ibn ‘amr] was exhausting himself in worship to the point that he did not have time to take care of his duties towards his wife, so he was falling short.

2.         the principle of paying due attention to everyone who has rights over one applies to anyone who is preoccupied with matters of worship, such as a student who is giving so many lessons, or a daa’iyah who is so busy with his da’wah that his wife complains of mistreatment. this can lead to a loss of balance in carrying out different acts of worship and dividing one’s time among all those who are making rightful claims on it. so there is nothing wrong with the teacher reducing the number of lessons he gives, or the daa’iyah reducing his activities so as to allow himself enough time to take care of his home, wife and children, and give them their rights as regards guidance, companionship and education.